An Introduction to Self-Esteem
‘Self-esteem’ is the kind of term you hear circulating loosely within the hubbub of personal and social conversation. Its ambiguous title may have cropped up when a friend searched for a word to explain the unfathomable sense of sadness that haunted you at some stage, or perhaps even recently. Its lack of one direct meaning has unsettled even the best of academics for decades, so it can be frustrating to be told your self-esteem is ‘low’ when it’s not exactly something you can measure, unlike blood sugars or hormones.
What is Self-Esteem?
There is a reason why ‘I have a high self-esteem’ isn’t taught alongside ‘I am 5 ft tall’ at school. Self-esteem is made up of several components that come into play and are tested at different stages of your life. These are components that can constantly fluctuate, such as confidence, self-validation, a sense of entitlement and self-respect. When we arrive into the world, we each have the same intrinsic human value; something at the time we’re far too busy being hungry babies to question.
We begin noticing these elements of the human condition as we adjust to an imperfect world. We are vulnerable beings deeply affected by the environment and other people; we form a sense of who we are by copying and comparing ourselves to others. So the way that you are treated can have a huge impact on any of the self-esteem factors and your overall sense of worth.
How is it damaged?
Imagine a waterfall. At the top is a person: a significant other/peer/celebrity/authority/stranger etc. At the bottom is your self-esteem. If that person abuses you, you may initially feel shame – the water hits the first rock. That shame in most cases damages your self-respect: the water slips down onto the next rock. Your lack of self-respect greatly weakens your relationship with yourself, and the water cascades to the bottom; your self-esteem is hit. This doesn’t always begin with abuse either; it can be too much pressure, criticism, early responsibility, exclusion and lack of praise/attention, for example.
How do I rebuild it?
There is no quick fix to low self-esteem. If it is affecting the way you function, then counselling is a necessary first port of call. Friends and/or family may surprise you with how supportive they can be, but sometimes you might feel they’re too close. It is a difficult but important idea to think through the criticism that you have for yourself. You may find it helpful to keep a diary, noting down negative beliefs about yourself and underlining the instances you compare yourself to others. Over time have a go at visualising yourself as confident and happy. In this description avoid comparisons with others. Notice the body language and the interactions of your happy character [the real you] when you visualise. For many people it works to begin practising and acting out the mannerisms of this confident being, until it eventually sinks in to your natural behaviour. If there is one thing to remember from all of this: do not punish yourself for not ‘getting better’ straight away. Patience is the key to healing.