Recently in the news there has been much discussion on the topic of marital coercion, particularly in the sense of women being forced to break the law by their husbands. But there must be thousands of marriages and partnerships throughout the country in which one person is intimidated and terrified by the other. It is not necessarily about physical strength or fear for your life, it can be a fear of one’s partner breaking down, committing suicide or taking the children away that contributes to just putting up with or agreeing to something against your will, and victims are often unable to discuss it with their closest friend or relative.
In some cases domestic violence can often be so subtle, so private that it can be undetectable except for the couple involved. In other cases the injuries that an individual has sustained bring about concern and suspicion from those around.
But what is the definition of domestic violence?
It is any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, verbal, sexual. financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners, or intimately related within a family or domestic setting, regardless of gender or sexuality. Domestic violence involves the abuse of power and control by one person over another and typically escalates in frequency and severity over time.
DV is mostly committed by men against women; however, violence can occur in other domestic relationships in which men are abused by women, children are abused by parents, parents are abused by children and gay and lesbian men and women are abused by their same sex partners. The key issue is the misuse of power and exercise of control by one person over another.
Some people may find it hard to understand why victims of domestic violence do not simply leave their abuser, but this is often far easier to say than to do. Keeping the victim dependent on them and depriving them of outside support, as well as an independent livelihood, is part of an abuser’s control. Victims are concerned with financial difficulties and having nowhere else to live. It is also true that many victims still love their abuser but simply want the abuse to stop.
Apart from the effect of physical injuries, most victims find that living in fear is one of the most serious emotional consequences of domestic violence. They may experience guilt and wonder whether in some way they may be responsible, or shame if they know other people are aware of what has happened. Other victims may be further humiliated if, under the threat of violence, they have given in to domestic or sexual demands that they know they should not have to tolerate. As a result, they may feel demoralised, trapped, isolated from their family, friends and community, and unable to do anything about it – precisely how the perpetrator wants them to feel.
Domestic violence incidents can escalate in frequency and severity over time, with victims enduring many attacks and waiting years before seeking help. Other people suffer too – it is thought that more than 50 per cent of children in households that suffer domestic violence witness abuse of their mother and/or personally experience violence. Even if children are not attacked themselves, they can at the time become depressed and withdrawn or anxious and hyperactive, have difficulty sleeping or concentrating or develop stress related illness; they demonstrate regressive behaviours and experience many other difficulties which may develop into long term behaviour problems.
Deciding to take action against domestic violence marks the moment at which the victim starts to regain control over their life. However, this is a difficult decision and victims should discuss the issues first with a trusted relative or friend, a doctor or a specialist organisation. Accessing outside help can be difficult, not only because of the need for secrecy, but also because of the number of different agencies that may be involved.
However, Volunteers from organisations like Victim Support and Women’s Aid are specially trained to help victims in these circumstances and may arrange to meet the victim away from the house, at a safe time and place, so that they can discuss their options in confidence. These interventions may include choosing between trying to persuade the perpetrator to change their ways, trying to have them removed from the house, leaving home themselves and taking children with them, or putting up with even worse violence. These organisations are an expert source of help, guidance and comfort should you wish to seek help and all their contact details can be found on the internet. The Police provide considerable help to victims of domestic violence and a call to them or an opportunity to walk into a police station is another source of expert help. And when you feel ready to talk through the issues, counselling can offer you the space to do so; at The Well Being Therapy Centre we have specialists in Domestic Violence with many years of experience.
Remember: Deciding to take action against domestic violence marks the moment at which the victim starts to regain control over their life.
Margaret Fensome